Friday, October 10, 2008

Job Description: MOM

Position: Mother, Mom, Mommy, Mama

Job Description:
Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings, weekends, & frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends, endless sports and/or dance tournaments, & theater plays. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

The rest of your life you must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite your tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule & be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, "this time", the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets & stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars & coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan & organize social gatherings for clients of all ages & mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly & product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, & battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance & janitorial work throughout the facility.

Possibility for Advancement & Promotion:
Virtually none...Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining & updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. When they grow up & get married you eventually get a new title...which you may get to choose unless your new charge comes up with something original. However, common titles are "Grandmother", "Grandma", "Nana", "Meemaw", or "Grams".

Previous Experience:
None required! On the job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Wages and Compensation:
Get this! YOU PAY THEM! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth & free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Retirement Package:
None. Just when you think you are done you start all over with grand kids!

Author unknown but whoever she is I love this woman!


Kipplyn said...

This is really cute Laura~ Hey, your blog finally updated in my Google Reader! You must have fixed something! Yea! Have a great day!

Dalene said...

Fun Post.

Thanks! ;0)

Courtney said...

you moved up! yeah.