Monday, January 14, 2008

Trusting In Jesus

Prayer for Trust in Jesus
O Christ Jesus,
When all is darkness
and we feel our weakness and helplessness,
give us the sense of Your presence,
Your love, and Your strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
in Your protecting love
and strengthening power,
so that nothing may frighten or worry us,
for, living close to You,
we shall see Your hand,
Your purpose, Your will through all things.
St. Ignatius of Loyola

I have always approached life through rose colored glasses or a fairytale reality where everything always "works out." I think I made it through the weekend between diagnosis and Carter's outpatient treatment with the same approach. In the back of my mind I continued to hope and pray that the tests were wrong, that it was a fluke, and that on Monday, the pediatric endocrinologist would just confirm the anomaly and everything would be okay with my precious son. One thing that I have wrestled in the depths of my soul these past few years is the reality of brokenness in this world and yet the awesome sovereignty of God. The God of creation who has the power to DO anything and yet sometimes in our eyes is quiet and still. I have prayed for miraculous healings that don't come, loved ones to not pass away, mommies not to lose their precious babies, thorns in the flesh to be removed. Good well meaning people have come up to our family sharing how they have prayed for us and specifically for healings over various things. How do you look people in the eye who say that they have prayed for healing and seem to be utterly disappointed and almost offended when it has not occurred for your family. Is my faith any less...? Is God still good when things don't turn out the way we have prayed. God has spoken to the brokenness of my heart challenging me to praise Him regardless of the outcome. Is the Almighty God of the Universe any less almighty if my prayers are not answered in the manner in which I think they ought to be. When the road is broken and difficult will I chose to praise him No Matter What? I had to lay my son on the alter that weekend and thank God for whatever He was going to do through this next path. Jesus prayed in the garden of Gethsemane "Not my will, but yours be done." Giving my loved one back to God (as if he were "mine" to begin with) is what God called me to do, knowing and submitting to His will. I can't even find the words to express my heart over this matter, however I know that God has used this brokenness over my son to help me be more dependent on Him than I ever was. I have to give up my control freak nature and daily entrust Carter to Him. The crazy and cruel thing about Juvenile Diabetes is that it is unpredictable. You can DO everything correctly (diet, exercise, close monitoring of blood sugar) and end up with extreme blood sugar highs and lows. It never "levels" out or is in control for more than a few hours :) . I praise God that He always is!

1 comment:

anita said...

I am enjoying reading your journey with Carter's diabetes! Your family is such an inspiration to me and your faith is amazing! I look forward to reading more...