"I wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; The rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. " Psalm 62:5
One of the hardest things to do in life, is to wait. Especially for me. I have NO patience. Our very nature wants what it wants when we want it. When our deliverance from a situation seems to take longer than we think it should, the battle rages in our mind between trust and fear. This is exactly where I am, in a battle between trust and fear.
My husband got home Tuesday night from his interview and he said it went well. Yeah! This would normally be good news for most people. I just happened to choose that moment to have a spiritual and emotional "melt down". See, I didn't get as much information from him as I would have liked. (Wives do we ever?) I also realized in that moment, that I had another unknown date to wait for until he A. got a phone call that offered him the job and B. well you know, the other alternative. Inside, I was broken that we didn't seem to be any closer to the end of this particular journey and honestly I was a little peeved.
After Carter's diagnosis and all of our crazy history, I rarely cry any more, but the past few days I think the flood gate has broken loose. My husband is unsure of what to do with me and is keeping a healthy and safe distance. He really is a wise man :) I can relate highly to Psalms 69:2-3 which states "I sink in deep mire, Where there is not standing; I have come into deep waters, Where the floods overflow me. I am weary with my crying; My throat is dry; My eyes fail while I wait for God." As I have been chewing on this verse, I realized that my eyes do NEED to fail me. Because if I look at my circumstances with human eyes, I can mire in worry, anxiety, and fear but If I trust in His Name, His AMAZING Provision and His plan for the Robertson family then I have no fear. It is through this journey that Faith is being built, prayerfully His character being developed, and I am being changed more like Him and less like my selfish nature.
I also realized that I am such an Israelite wandering in the desert. God has continuously blessed our family in amazing ways and yet, I am still quietly grumbling over His plan. So I had another heart to heart today laying everything out on the floor broken in front of me. The I don't want to move from this house, I don't want to move from this city, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to...you get the picture. (Yes the house IS God's house and I would give it up if I am called. Honestly, I am just too darn lazy/weary and tired to pack up this family of 6 for the 6th time in 8 years. Especially now that my awesome momma organized my house and I can actually find something and we just planted a garden). I digress. The underlying root of my three year old rant is lack of TRUST in my Lord and still fear of the unknown. As I was reading today through different articles on learning to wait on God, I was reminded of David who throughout the Psalms had to convince himself anew EVERYDAY that God would take care of him. Of course I am thankful that I literally am not being hunted and marked for death, but I was reminded of what a spiritual battle that I am in. My eyes need to be blinded to the things around so that my HEART can worship and Trust in God's Amazing Plan and His Amazing Provision, no matter where that is or what that looks like. Hmmm, easier to write out than to live out in the flesh:)
Isaiah 30:18 "Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him."
You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you.
Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.
21 But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
22 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 "The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him."
25 The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
26 It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord in the
land of the living
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!
I will end with this quote mainly for my own benefit!! "God is never late, but seldom early".